Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

-- Ann Landers
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Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.

-- Mother Teresa
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How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a weary world.

-- William Shakespeare
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The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

-- Oscar Wilde
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Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
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What is a committee?  A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.

-- Richard Harkness, "The New York Times", 1960
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On one occasion a student burst into his office.  "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."  To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
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I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
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There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my right hand.
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I'm a little teapot short and stout ... here is my handle, here is my ... OTHER HANDLE??? Crap. I'm a sugar bowl.
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Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. I cannot hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
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We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.

-- Robert Wilensky
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A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
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A day without sunshine is like night.
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A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths.

-- Steve Wright
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A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.

-- H. H. Munroe
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A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
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A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey.  "It is out on loan," the teacher replied.  At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside the stable.  "But I can hear it bray, over there."  "Whom do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
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A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.

-- Gloria Steinem
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A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
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A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention.
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Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

-- Sinclair Lewis
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Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."
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All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second.

-- Jim Fiebig
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All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists know it.

-- Richard P. Feynman
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An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
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Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
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Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with none.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

-- Steven Wright
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I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full house and four people died.

-- Steven Wright
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I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

-- Woody Allen
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Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

-- Robin Hood
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

-- Phyllis Diller
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I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference. They're still living in the fifties.

-- Strange de Jim
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

-- Erma Bombeck
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Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
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Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
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There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.
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You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have, for instance.

-- Franklin P. Jones
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Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

-- Mark Twain
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Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.

-- Mark Twain
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I do desire we may be better strangers.

-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
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I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

-- Mark Twain
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I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

-- Mark Twain
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If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.

-- Mark Twain
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One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
%
 met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
	S-O-D-A soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
	Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
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A boy scout troop went on a hike.  Crossing over a stream, one of
the boys dropped his wallet into the water.  Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
the wallet and tossed it to another carp.  Then that carp passed it to
another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
and forth.
	"Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
of carp-to-carp walleting."
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A crow perched himself on a telephone wire.  He was going to make a
long-distance caw.
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A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
his morning meal.  "I would like to give you this personality test", said
the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
	Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
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A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for
her birthday.  An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen.  "My pup," she murmured
sadly, "runneth over."
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A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed.  They killed
the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
	"What do you think?" said the first ranger.
	"The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
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A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact.  Someone pointed out that it's
the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
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A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
	The housewife replied, "Four!".
	The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4.  Let me run those figures
through my spread sheet one more time."
	The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
"Do you serve lawyers here?".
	"Sure do," replied the bartender.
	"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
my 'gator."
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A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
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A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.  "That's what
I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
	As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
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A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
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An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
time.  One was named Edith; the other named Kate.  They met, discovered they
had the same fiancee, and told him.  "Get out of our lives you rascal.  We'll
teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
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"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
	"Diet."
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"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it,
and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.  "He is full
of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come
by their ignorance the hard way."
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Cat's Cradle"
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Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
the father spanked them.  His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
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"How many people work here?"
	"Oh, about half."
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"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
	"Did you ever see a doctor?"
	"No, just spots."
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"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
	"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
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"Surely you can't be serious."
	"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
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"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
	"What's for breakfast?" said Pooh.  "What do you say, Piglet?"
	"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said
Piglet.
	Pooh nodded thoughtfully.  "It's the same thing," he said.
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90 percent of the work takes 90 percent of the time.
The remaining 10 percent takes the other 90 percent of the time.
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A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
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A bit of talcum
Is always walcum
		-- Ogden Nash
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A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
Kites rise against the wind, not with it.